I’ve been staring at this screen for about 10 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post. What do I even want to say? Let’s start with the truth. Fletch has been lost, for months. Stephanie has been happy, but stressed. Why have I been stressed? Well, let’s see, take a minute, read the last post and return to reading this one – there’s no reason to write that mess over again.
What’s a day in the life of “Stressed Stephanie?” My mind ping-ponging all over the place with the inability to focus. The smallest task feels like I am moving a mountain. Goals that feel out-of-reach and unobtainable. The thought of laying in bed, all day, with the lights off seems relaxing – not depressing. Being a loner, not laughing nor smiling. Waiting until the last-minute to handle tasks. Giving up.
For those who know me, and I mean really know me – am I really “Stressed Stephanie?” When have you ever seen me and I don’t at least crack a smile or let out my weird laugh? “Stressed Stephanie” got called into the principal’s office last week. I received a “come to Jesus meeting” like no other. Sure, I cried – but it was different. At first, I didn’t feel like me. I felt weak and almost dark, if that makes any sense. The once full-of-life Fletch was non-existent.
During the “come to Jesus meeting,” a lot of my issues were actually spoken instead of hidden. When you actually tell someone your thoughts and fears you become totally vulnerable. I was getting to the point where I thought only a few people truly cared about me. You see, on most days – I’m a dependable person. What happens to dependable people? At some point in their life, they are stepped on and taken advantage of. I have been stepped on and taken advantage of in more ways than I can count. I was feeling torn down, completely. I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I was seeing – not just the physical appearance, but down to my soul. The parts that made me – me – were missing.
My goals, gone. My loving personality, gone. My compassion, gone. My understanding of others, gone. What did I become? Bitter. I was bitter toward others and was somehow blaming them for my mistakes. I wasn’t dealing with my mistakes or owning up to them. After being asked a series of questions at my “come to Jesus meeting,” there was no escaping the truth. It was time for me to put my big girl panties on and deal with my mistakes.
I am still struggling to keep the negative thoughts out of my mind. I can still think of things and feel an urge of panic, but right now – I am able to calm myself down.
Currently, I’m training with Josh away from the box. My strength hasn’t totally recovered, but I can feel ole Fletch more and more each day.
So what’s next? I found out tonight – a half marathon in 5 months.