Truth hurts.

24 Jun

I have started this post several times.  Deleting and typing…all while I’m asking, “Do I really want to be honest about my first CrossFit competition?”  The last thing I want to do is seem pitiful.  So here goes.  I am going to be totally honest and lay it all out…

Do I feel proud of myself for doing the gauntlet?  Nope.  I feel like a joke.  I look at all the pictures and get even more ticked.  I get angry; once again, for getting so out of control.  I feel like I am NEVER going to get to my goal.

I do not want people feeling sorry for me because I am fat…it is hard for people to understand when you have never struggled with weight before.  It is a challenge every single day.  It is hard.  It hurts.  It just plain sucks.  The most terrible thing is – I have no one to blame but myself.  I try hard not to hate myself and to stay positive.

Part of me wants to quit, but I know in the last 6 months – CrossFit has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me, but I can’t help but think I am not good for it…and that I will continue to try and be something I will never physically be.

I know this is raw and untypical compared to my previous posts, but it is the truth.  I have sore muscles and I am tired, but I am so emotionally and mentally spent.

Please know:  I am extremely thankful for my RRCF family.  The cheering and support means more than you will ever know.  And I am so thankful for friends and family who read these posts, keep up with me on Facebook, send me texts and call me to show their support.  I appreciate you all.  I do not take any of you for granted.

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22 Responses to “Truth hurts.”

  1. Disney World Diva June 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

    U felt this way after the 1st run u did and your CF family came out and got you to finish the race. You went back and now can run better and do better things for yourself. You accomplished your first competition by being there and doing it… You aren’t going to be superwoman in 6 months, but you keep going back for more….That’s what counts!

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 11:14 am #

      Thank you, Amanda. And you’re right. I did feel this way after the Gump Games. Thank you for the support. 🙂

  2. Christina June 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

    Ok, first of all you did it. That is the first thing you need to remember. Most people would not even dream of putting themselves through something so grueling. Second of all I am proud of you. Third of all you are not fat. You have come such a long way. Fourth, this was your first competition and you did great. When I saw the photos of you, I was like wow she looks great! Remember we never see ourselves as well as others see us. I know from first hand experience:). Of course you are sore, physically and mentally tired. It was something you have never done. Again I am proud of you and I love you. You will get to your goal!

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 11:16 am #

      Thank you, Christina. I have dealt with “beating myself up” and not “believing in myself” for a long time. It is going to take a lot to change it…but I am thankful for you supporting me.

  3. Kari June 24, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

    I wish you didn’t feel like a joke. I know I can give you a million and one reasons as to why you shouldn’t, but none of that will satisfy you till you can look within and believe otherwise on your own merits. Look inside and the outside, and you will find them, whether it be small things about you physically, mentally or emotionally. There are reasons there; you just have to discover or rediscover them. And you will, if you let yourself.

    Try not to get down. I have gained 10lbs. Does that make me want to throw the towel in on my 80lbs I have lost? Hell no. I see pictures, and notice how my pants feel a little tighter this week…it just makes me want to get out and bike, walk, swim harder and eat better and better. I encourage you to take those negative feelings and try to push through them till they are something you can say about yourself positively.

    I also, commend you for sticking with this blog entry. The real world is not sugar coated, or staged…why should your blog be? This is after all process.

    And as far as feeling sorry for you because you are fat? I have yet to come across any person that doesn’t know me, as feeling sympathetic for me for being a big girl. And I’m kinda glad about that sometimes. It sorta like, indirectly enables me into thinking it is OK to be unhealthy when people think otherwise. Which is not good. So the more they hate? I turn it into motivation. But as long as you know who you are the entire time past, present, and future? That’s saying something.

    Sure, we all have hiccups along the way. After all no one is perfect. That being said, opinions of what “perfect” can somewhat be up to a matter of opinion. Whose opinion matters most? Yours. However, I never argue with science. The scale, BMI, and caloric intake won’t lie. Ever. It’s brutally honest. Its all a balance. Find yours.

    Breathe. You are wonderful and are on a journey. If you fail to live up to other people’s ideas, words of encouragement or standards. Oh well. Just let go, learn, and live.

    P.S. I believe in you.

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 11:18 am #

      Thank you, Kari. It was tough to post this…and I could have posted one about how proud I am – blah blah blah, but that is not the way I feel. We both grew up with negativity – so you understand how hard it is to move past it. I really tried to be proud – I really did. And thank you for believing in me and coming to watch me compete. 🙂

  4. beardownandbefit June 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm #

    Steph…first off, awesome job in the Gauntlet. You did what many others did not…you came and competed and for that you should be dn pound.
    In essence you are right, I am not “fat” have never been overweight, and I do fairly well at this Crossfit thing. However there is something you need to understand about all of us: we all suffer, we all think less of ourselves and we all struggle! The battle is not with the body but with the mind and when you give into self-doubt and negativity because YOU think you failed then you will lose the battle. You are nothing close to a joke, you are an inspiration to me and many others. Can I do things you can’t, sure, but I have never exhibited the courage you did yesterday. For that you should hold your head high and always be proud of what you have done. This is only the first step to a long journey. You are bettering yourself everyday with Crossfit…not so much the workout but the people around you who show love and support. That is what Crossfit is, not the workouts, times, movements, or venues but the purpose of the people. I hope you know that and I will tell you this, I have DNF’D ( did not finish) workouts in competition before and felt like a loser, but high level Crossfitters were the first to lift me up and show me love.
    Lastly, I don’t Crossfit for self glory or acceptance I do it I honor as glorify God. He sets the time limit of my workouts and I know that even of I DNF it was for a purpose greater than I can understand. God gives us trials and how we come through them is what determines who we are and will be. You did something you have never done, and God gave you the will to compete…don’t let anyone dilute that!
    Love you Step and am Damn proud of you, and I can’t wait for your next competition, your next weight goal reached, and your next movement accomplished.

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 11:23 am #

      Thank you, Brandon. I didn’t feel like I belonged there. It was hard enough for me to start CrossFitting at RRCF. And then I put myself out there on Saturday. I went in feeling strong, but after the first WOD – I was ready to go home. I feel so embarrassed for thinking I could actually do this…

  5. Tyler Perdue June 24, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

    Your blogs express exactly how I feel and through your writings I feel like you are speaking for me too. I have those days that I will NEVER look the way I want to but I think about the improvements I do see and the ones Tyler see’s ;O) Not only physical but mentally and socially. Being more outgoing is the hard part for me which affects my confidence. I never thought working out would bring all this out but it’s health for the WHOLE body I suppose. U are an encouragement to all and thank you for your support.

    Stephanie Perdue

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 11:24 am #

      Thank you, Stephanie. You are doing so great! And just last week, you mentioned that it was a big step for you to wear shorts to the box. And girl, you are rocking those shorts! Keep rocking it. 🙂

  6. Nick Watson June 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm #

    Your posts encourage me to keep going. The optimism that you’ve posted with have given me hope that I can succeed. Please don’t get discouraged; we all have to start somewhere. You’re not a joke; you’re an inspiration.

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 11:25 am #

      Thank you, Nick. And thank you for your support. 🙂

  7. Marissa B. June 24, 2012 at 10:57 pm #

    There is a quote that says: “The number one reason why people feel like quitting is because they look how far they’ve got to go, not how far they’ve come.” Think back to where you were a month ago, three months ago, six months, a year– now look at where you are and what you can do. I bet things have changed more than you think.

    The process of changing your body, your health, and your lifestyle, is just that– a process. It is difficult and it can be immensely frustrating at times. As I’ve shared with you before, I have struggled with that process myself; and it’s still a challenge for me.

    But what matters the most is that you are doing it. You are a go-getter. The Stephanie that I know seeks out what she wants to accomplish and succeeds with flying colors. I know I am not in your shoes; but I do know that you can do absolutely anything that you set your mind to. I honestly admire the amount of strength, courage, and willpower you have– I really hope you see those things in yourself, too. What you’re doing is by no means easy; get empowered by what you’ve accomplished.

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 11:26 am #

      Thank you, Marissa. I love the quote. And I do remember your struggles. You have been an inspiration to me. You did it. You did exactly what you wanted to do – I think about you often when I am working out. 🙂

  8. The Writer Gal June 25, 2012 at 7:45 am #

    Kiddo, anyone who has had trouble with weight completely understands what you are going through. But, what you did this weekend was amazing! You didn’t have to do it, but you did, and that was amazing! It was hot. It was uncomfortable. It was HARD. And, you did it! You could have been at home playing solitaire on the computer or shopping, but instead you were doing something good for yourself, and you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished.

    I think that it’s perfectly understandable to also be disappointed if you aren’t reaching your goals as quickly as you had first hoped that you would. You’ve met my trainer, Jeff, and the best advice he continues to give me when I break down or seem as though I’m about to give up on myself is: “At least you’re movin’. You’re doing more than most, so keep movin’.” Remember, what this is all about…FITNESS. It’s a lifestyle, not a fad. So, keep movin’.

    You have inspired so many people through your story. I don’t think you realize just how much you’ve inspired me. Don’t let that fire inside of you flicker out, but remember that the one person you are doing this for…yourself. You won’t let her down as long as you keep movin’!

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 11:26 am #

      Thank you, Lori. And thank you for our pow-wow this morning. 🙂

  9. Charlotte June 25, 2012 at 9:02 am #

    The fact that you are out there trying is a BIG DEAL. You don’t have to be the best crossfitter, just the best you that you can be.

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 11:27 am #

      Thank you, Charlotte. I’m trying. 🙂

  10. Margaret McGuire June 25, 2012 at 10:39 am #

    Don’t give up now. You are our inspiration! What guts you have for putting yourself out there. This is part of your journey, one day, I promise, you will look back and say this is what happened way back when. You are getting stronger and wiser in your choices.

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 11:28 am #

      Thank you, Margaret. Your inspirational quotes help me. Keep them coming. 🙂

  11. Kelli June 25, 2012 at 6:31 pm #

    Steph…. I understand your frustrations. But you went and you tried. To be honest I have not done the competions because I am scared and have little confidence in myself! Could I do it probably so, but I am to scared of the what if. But you went you tried you did it!!

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 8:11 pm #

      Kelli, you are absolutely amazing. I have seen you at the box and you excel at every single WOD you do.

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