Below the Surface.

25 Jun

I woke up this morning, my eyes swollen from crying, muscles sore from the competition and still confused about the way I feel.

D is trying hard to make me feel better.  I am sure my son knows something is up – he is being awfully cuddly and sweet.  I had a lot of comments of support in response to the previous post – thank you all for those.  My best friend, Em, texted…and for some reason it’s just hard to talk about it.

I get to work and three of my closest co-workers and friends keep me behind closed doors persistently trying to make me feel better.  I have Google talk messages and text messages – all out of concern.

The issues I am dealing with are not just because of Saturday.  I am dealing with years of pain:  not feeling adequate, the need to feel accepted, no self-esteem and being knocked down, but those who know me KNOW that I try to keep these feelings below surface.  I try to be strong.  I am a person with a compassionate heart.  I love to LOVE and to make people smile.  Sometimes, I’m just not strong and can’t keep the feelings below surface – they do arise.

I took a big step by “airing” it all out on wordpress.com.  It actually made me deal with it.

Before December 2011, I managed to go to work and to school, but I was overly anxious to participate in “extra-curricular” activities due to my weight.  Clothes didn’t fit right, the reflection in the mirror was never beautiful and I spent many days parked on the couch.  During vacations, I never wanted to leave the room.  God forbid that I wear a swimsuit.  All of these emotions surfaced and slapped me in the face on Saturday:  you’re not good enough, you don’t belong here, what were you thinking, you are so fat, you are an embarrassment…then of course emotions from my childhood surfaced:  you’re a pig, your thighs are too big…it all left me panicking inside.

Saturday wasn’t about winning for me.  It was about competing with me – and “Fletch” did not win.

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4 Responses to “Below the Surface.”

  1. Shannon Kay Hust June 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    Gosh, that brought tears. And so many emotions. I know all these feelings and still battle with them daily. For me, it’s “I wish I could ‘fix’ me”…I’m super proud of you.

    • sfletcher81 June 25, 2012 at 8:06 pm #

      Hang in there, Shannon. We can do this. 🙂

  2. Margaret McGuire June 25, 2012 at 1:26 pm #

    No, “Fletch” did win.:)

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