Tag Archives: compassion

Who is “Stressed Stephanie?”

17 Feb

I’ve been staring at this screen for about 10 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post.  What do I even want to say?  Let’s start with the truth.  Fletch has been lost, for months.  Stephanie has been happy, but stressed.  Why have I been stressed?  Well, let’s see, take a minute, read the last post and return to reading this one – there’s no reason to write that mess over again.

What’s a day in the life of “Stressed Stephanie?”  My mind ping-ponging all over the place with the inability to focus.  The smallest task feels like I am moving a mountain.  Goals that feel out-of-reach and unobtainable.  The thought of laying in bed, all day, with the lights off seems relaxing – not depressing.  Being a loner, not laughing nor smiling.  Waiting until the last-minute to handle tasks.  Giving up.

For those who know me, and I mean really know me – am I really “Stressed Stephanie?”  When have you ever seen me and I don’t at least crack a smile or let out my weird laugh?  “Stressed Stephanie” got called into the principal’s office last week.  I received a “come to Jesus meeting” like no other.  Sure, I cried – but it was different.  At first, I didn’t feel like me.  I felt weak and almost dark, if that makes any sense.  The once full-of-life Fletch was non-existent.

During the “come to Jesus meeting,” a lot of my issues were actually spoken instead of hidden.  When you actually tell someone your thoughts and fears you become totally vulnerable.  I was getting to the point where I thought only a few people truly cared about me.  You see, on most days – I’m a dependable person.  What happens to dependable people?  At some point in their life, they are stepped on and taken advantage of.  I have been stepped on and taken advantage of in more ways than I can count.  I was feeling torn down, completely.  I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I was seeing – not just the physical appearance, but down to my soul.  The parts that made me – me – were missing.

My goals, gone.  My loving personality, gone.  My compassion, gone.  My understanding of others, gone.  What did I become?  Bitter.  I was bitter toward others and was somehow blaming them for my mistakes.  I wasn’t dealing with my mistakes or owning up to them.  After being asked a series of questions at my “come to Jesus meeting,” there was no escaping the truth.  It was time for me to put my big girl panties on and deal with my mistakes.

I am still struggling to keep the negative thoughts out of my mind.  I can still think of things and feel an urge of panic, but right now – I am able to calm myself down.

Currently, I’m training with Josh away from the box.  My strength hasn’t totally recovered, but I can feel ole Fletch more and more each day.

So what’s next?  I found out tonight – a half marathon in 5 months.

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Still here and still WODing.

20 Mar

Well…what can I say?  It has been a long time since I last posted on “i chalk it.”  My apologies to my followers.  I have had to deal with some personal issues and I still am unsure of how often this blog will be kept up-to-date.

 

All that aside, I do have great news.  I finally hit 40 pounds lost and slid into a size 10!  We started the Ravage at RRCF and I am so proud of all the Ravagers!  We are all working so hard to “activate, intensify and destroy!”  Remember a few months ago, when I had a major breakdown because of handstand pushups?  You’ll never guess who finally got their own handstand hold?!?!?!  What? What?  Yup, that would be Fletch.  And just in case you do not believe me, check out the picture below.  In addition, I am finally able to do 2 double unders in a row, but can actually link them together with a single back into a double!  Oh oh oh, and I got my 1 mile to 10:10, but since then ran 1/2 mile and decreased my time to 4:49!  Major improvement.  And, I PR’d on my power clean this week – up to 105!!

Handstand

 

I am finally feeling like I am accomplishing goals in the box…I have even been able to WOD RX instead of scaled.  It is still surreal that CrossFit stuck when most everything else didn’t…it feels good to work hard for something and actually see results.

 

That’s all for now.  Keep on keeping on!

Fletch’s Year-End Review

21 Dec

Wow, what can I say?  2012 has been an amazing year.  I hit my 30 pound lost mark, lost 4 pant sizes and so many other milestones.  It has been one year since I first stepped foot into River Region CrossFit (RRCF).  If you remember my story, I started CrossFit as an overweight couch potato weighing in over 200 pounds.  When I first contacted Josh Carter, my now coach at RRCF, I was at rock bottom and on the edge of giving up.  It is difficult not to become emotional while talking about my journey because I NEVER thought it could be done.  You can ask most anyone who has known me for a long time; I’m notorious for starting something and not finishing it:  Atkins Diet, LA Weight Loss, Planet Fitness, Jazzercise…the list goes on.

There is something about CrossFit that grabs a hold of you and doesn’t let go; well, that is if you allow it to totally consume you.  If you give it a chance and actually try – and I mean try with all your body, mind and soul – you can do it and you’ll have nothing but benefits to reap from it.  In one year, I have formed new friendships, gained confidence in myself and learned to love myself again.  For years, I disliked the person I had become:  depressed, emotional and afraid.  It took courage that sometimes…I just did not have in order to put myself together and interact with friends.  I never felt like I truly fit in – I was always the “fat” girl.  There were sometimes I didn’t go to get-together’s or parties because I felt horrible about myself:  my clothes didn’t fit right or I was just anxious to be around others.  Everything about me was out of sorts, which resulted in eating more and doing less.  When I look back at pictures, I can’t believe “that Stephanie,” the one who ate uncontrollably and had little self-worth had gotten so out of control.

Since 2006, I have let each year pass with wants and wishes of losing weight.  Each summer, I would tell myself – this is it – this time next year, I’ll be comfortable in my bathing suit.  Each year passed and more weight was packed on and before I knew it, my size 18 pants were too small.  When I contacted Josh 12 months ago, I was serious about changing my life, but there was always this voice in my head telling me, “you can’t do it – you always give up and what makes you think things will be different this time?”  River Region CrossFit is what is different this time:  the coaches, friends, atmosphere, community…that’s what is different.

Now, here I am, a CrossFitter.  I may not be the best CrossFitter and lift the most weight, but I am doing far more than I ever done.  Every single day, week, month – there’s an improvement or a new milestone.  Rikki Rogers said, “Strength doesn’t come from what you can do.  It comes from overcoming things you once thought you couldn’t.”  And for me, the year of 2012 has been about overcoming things I couldn’t before.  For 2013, I want to expand on my goals and set new personal records.

But yes, I wear crazy looking shoes and I don’t go one day without mentioning something CrossFit.  My Facebook page is filled with CrossFit this and CrossFit that.  My ears are on auto-tune…it feels like I can hear “CrossFit” from a mile away and when I hear it, my heart starts beating and my pulse speeds up.  I get super excited.  Even if it isn’t my conversation and I don’t know the people, I want to join the conversation if it’s geared around CrossFit.  Yep, you can say I’m addicted.

For me, CrossFit is more than just lifting weight.  CrossFit has been the avenue for me to find myself and learn to love myself again.  I have gained confidence and self-worth.  RRCF is true to its’ slogan – it is the baddest box in the River Region and does redefine fitness.

I have the most amazing coaches:  Joshua Carter, Wesley Hodges, Larry Geddings, Stephen Roy, Chris Bailey, Bucky Stephens and I cannot forget Mandy and Jake Baker, and Chandler Merrill.  Each and every single one of these coaches have taught me something – a technique, the need to believe in myself, commit to the movement and more.  They have seen me nervous, irritated, ticked off, upset and crying like a baby.  Not once, have they stopped believing in me.

Now to the even better stuff, my personal records and max weights!

One Rep Max:

  • November 12, 2012, Push Jerk:  105 pounds from 55 pounds on May 9, 2012
  • November 12, 2012, Deadlift:  200 pounds from 65 pounds on January 26, 2012

Personal Records:

  • November 27, 2012, Back Squat:  115 pounds from 55 pounds on February 23, 2012
  • December 15, 2012, Front Squat:  105 pounds from 75 pounds on April 17, 2012
  • Grace at 75 pounds, completed in 5 minutes and 20 seconds
  • 20 inch box jumps
  • 55 pound snatch
  • 55 pound overhead squat
  • 5k run (without stopping) in 40:13 compared to not being able to run 400 meters without stopping one year ago.
  • June 2012:  Competed in Embrace the Gauntlet, a Garage Games CrossFit Competition

Weight Lost:  33 pounds

Inches Lost:

  • Upper Arm:  2.5 inches
  • Bust:  5 inches
  • Waist:  3.7 inches
  • Hips:  5.8 inches
  • Thighs:  3 inches
  • Calves:  0.5 inches
  • Ankles:  0.5 inches

Total Lost:  21 inches

December 2012

200 pound Deadlift

200 pound Deadlift

November 2012

2011 vs 2012!!!!

2011 vs 2012!!!!

October 2012 vs October 2011

2012 5k on left vs 2011 5k on right

2012 5k on left vs 2011 5k on right

October 2012

October 2012

Barbells for Boobs, Grace scaled @ 75 pounds.  Completed in 5 min 20 sec.

Barbells for Boobs, Grace scaled @ 75 pounds. Completed in 5 min 20 sec.

July 2012

My coach, Wes, and me.20 inch box jump.

My coach, Wes, and me.
20 inch box jump.

June 2012

Clean and Jerks @ Embrace the Gauntlet

Clean and Jerks @ Embrace the Gauntlet

The video that started it all – I had to “chalk my hands” for courage to jump that 20 inch box!

Wow – times have changed…

Oh and crazy shoes, see?!?!?!

Fletch's shoes.

Fletch’s shoes.

Thank you to all my coaches, family, friends and ichalkit followers – thank you for the motivation, inspiration and encouragement.  It has been such a great year.  I can’t wait to see what great things will happen in 2013!!!

Inspire.

23 Jul

I put together a playlist for my iPod specifically for my first 5k in October 2011.  One of my favorite songs to run to is “Somebody” by Bridgit Mendler.  Yeah yeah yeah, Bridgit Mendler plays on Good Luck Charlie, which is on the Disney Channel – but the song is great.  I can remember listening to the song while running the 5k and the way I felt as I crossed the finish line.  I couldn’t help but to fight the tears.

During this time in my life, I had no pride – but I wanted it.  I wanted to feel proud of myself.  So for me, this song sort of outlined the battle I had with myself.  Part of me knew that I deserved something better:  to feel proud and to be healthy, but the other part kept interfering and prevented me from reaching those dreams…

I thought I would share a few lines of the song with you.

Somebody

Can you see me?

Cause I’m right here

Can you listen?

Cause I’ve been trying to make you notice

What it would mean to me

to feel like somebody

We’ve been on our way to nowhere

Tried so hard to get there

We’re gonna let it show

We’re gonna let go of everything

Holding back our dreams

And try,

to make it come alive

Come on let it shine so they can see

We were meant to be,

Somebody

Somehow, someday, someway

Somebody!

I’m so tired

of being invisible

but I feel it

Like a fire below the surface

trying to set me free

But inside of me

Cause we’re standing on the edge now

it’s a long way down

We will walk out of this darkness

feel the spot light glowing like a yellow sun,

and then we fall, we fall together

till we get back up and we will rise as one….

I finally “walked out of the darkness” and I’m pursuing my dream of being healthy.  I seriously never thought I would be here, which is why I constantly take pictures of the “new me.”  I still walk past the mirror, stop and look, and think – wow, this is me?  I am almost the same size I was 7 years ago, but my mind is different.  I want to be healthy and strong.  I have a whole new incentive for continuing my “dream.”

Below the Surface.

25 Jun

I woke up this morning, my eyes swollen from crying, muscles sore from the competition and still confused about the way I feel.

D is trying hard to make me feel better.  I am sure my son knows something is up – he is being awfully cuddly and sweet.  I had a lot of comments of support in response to the previous post – thank you all for those.  My best friend, Em, texted…and for some reason it’s just hard to talk about it.

I get to work and three of my closest co-workers and friends keep me behind closed doors persistently trying to make me feel better.  I have Google talk messages and text messages – all out of concern.

The issues I am dealing with are not just because of Saturday.  I am dealing with years of pain:  not feeling adequate, the need to feel accepted, no self-esteem and being knocked down, but those who know me KNOW that I try to keep these feelings below surface.  I try to be strong.  I am a person with a compassionate heart.  I love to LOVE and to make people smile.  Sometimes, I’m just not strong and can’t keep the feelings below surface – they do arise.

I took a big step by “airing” it all out on wordpress.com.  It actually made me deal with it.

Before December 2011, I managed to go to work and to school, but I was overly anxious to participate in “extra-curricular” activities due to my weight.  Clothes didn’t fit right, the reflection in the mirror was never beautiful and I spent many days parked on the couch.  During vacations, I never wanted to leave the room.  God forbid that I wear a swimsuit.  All of these emotions surfaced and slapped me in the face on Saturday:  you’re not good enough, you don’t belong here, what were you thinking, you are so fat, you are an embarrassment…then of course emotions from my childhood surfaced:  you’re a pig, your thighs are too big…it all left me panicking inside.

Saturday wasn’t about winning for me.  It was about competing with me – and “Fletch” did not win.