Tag Archives: letting go

Life and Stress of a Struggling CrossFitter

7 Oct

It has been months since I’ve updated this blog and I’m still unsure if I’ll be able to keep it updated as often as before…

 

My life has changed so much this year.  In February, my life took a totally different direction.  My marriage of almost 8 years ended.  The biggest adjustment has been going about life only seeing my son every other week.  Going from seeing him every single day to seeing him for 7 days at a time and then not seeing him for 7 days has been tough.  I have cried and cried and cried and missed him so much, but having a child does not save a marriage.  Even though it has been tough, for me, it was the best decision.

 

So this is my life now.  I’m a single mother.  I work full-time.  I am 5 classes away from finally having my undergraduate degree in Marketing.  I manage the accounts at River Region CrossFit.  I feel guilty when I don’t spend every minute possible with my son.  I also feel guilty when I pick my son up from daycare, take him to the box and WOD while someone else is taking care of him.  It is hard for me to totally dedicate my mind to WODing when I feel like I should be with my son.  It’s tough.

 

Through the stress, I have tried to just get through each day.  My goals for my journey have not been lost and they are still there, but right now – I’m just trying to overcome the stress.  So much happens to your soul when you go through a divorce and all I need is support from friends and family.  I don’t need lectures or to be told what I am doing is wrong, I just need a shoulder to lean on when things get tough.  I need a listening ear when I have a bad day.  I need someone to tell me I am a great mother when I miss my son.

 

I haven’t given up on my fitness.  I haven’t given up on CrossFit.  I haven’t given up on myself.  All that being said, I do have bad days.  I have days of anxiety.  I have days of depression.  It is there and I cannot escape it, but I also have many days of happiness.  I do have someone in my life other than my son who contributes to making me feel good about myself.  Our meeting was unexpected, but I do not regret it.  The timing wasn’t the best, but again I wouldn’t change it….

 

Just a few days ago I was talking to my coach and friend, Josh, about my life.  I have confided in him along the way.  He doesn’t let me give up on myself and helps me remember to “keep things Fletch.”  I beat myself up all the time because when I am able to WOD – I’m still scaling all my WODs.  In December, it will be two years since I started the CrossFit lifestyle and I should be RXing all my WODs.  Josh reminds me that my life since February has been turned upside down and I’ll get back to where I was…it will just take time.

 

For now, I cannot make new goals.  I cannot say, “this is what I’ll do next.”  At this point, I can only deal with the current and present moments in my life and take it day by day, and remember each day is a new day.

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Determination.

18 Oct

My last post was about how I boo freaking hoo’ed at CrossFit on Tuesday.  Yesterday, I read some of my older posts and is unreal how a person can change in a few months.  I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll mention it again, CrossFit isn’t just about physical fitness, it is about breaking down those mental and emotional barriers to allow YOU to believe in yourself.  Little by little, I am becoming more confident in my skills.  I am believing in myself a little more each week.  It is tough, but I never expected it to be easy.

 

After my mini breakdown on Tuesday, I committed me – myself – and I to not letting it get me down.  I put behind the stares from falling on my head during HSPU’s and I showed up tonight determined to make that WOD my biatch, which I did.  Yes sir, I sure did!  And Josh Carter, if you are reading this, can we say progress?

 

Ok, so I am sure you’re wondering about tonight’s WOD, huh?

15 Clean and Jerks

Rest 1 minute

10 Clean and Jerks

Rest 1 minute

5 Clean and Jerks

Rest 1 minute

50 Deadlifts

30 lateral burpees

I was able to finish the 30 clean and jerks (at 75 pounds) in 8 minutes.  The entire WOD was completed under 20 minutes.

 

Self-Image…

24 Jul

This post is for me and all you other ladies struggling with self-image.   I had a conversation with some ladies at work a week or so ago.  I literally had to ask my friends if they still considered me fitting into the “fat category.”  And what I mean by the fat category is when people pass by me…do they say to themselves, “Man, that “fat girl” shouldn’t be wearing that.”  I know this seems insane to even think, but believe me – women struggle with self-image and the way others perceive them.

So anyway, I still mentally feel like a “fat girl.”  I know that seems strange, but let me explain.  I have been overweight now for about 6 years.  Since December 2011, I’ve been doing CrossFit and have lost over 19.40 inches, 4 pant sizes and 31 pounds…I’m a freaking size 12 now!  But, my mind is still telling me that I’m overweight and fat.

Slowly, I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin.  Pictures help because I can actually compare the difference:  before vs after.  Like I’ve said before, I am competing with myself:  old Steph vs. new Steph.  Grrrr!  I refuse to let old Steph win, but it’s a freaking battle.

I have conquered so much this year.  I have no doubt that I’ll reach my goals.  Thanks to all of you…who stand by me and cheer me on.  It’s amazing to have support from so many people.  I just hope that I support y’all just the same.

Well, time to sign off – I’ve gotta go make that ‘banging’ dressing I talked about yesterday.  😉

Inspire.

23 Jul

I put together a playlist for my iPod specifically for my first 5k in October 2011.  One of my favorite songs to run to is “Somebody” by Bridgit Mendler.  Yeah yeah yeah, Bridgit Mendler plays on Good Luck Charlie, which is on the Disney Channel – but the song is great.  I can remember listening to the song while running the 5k and the way I felt as I crossed the finish line.  I couldn’t help but to fight the tears.

During this time in my life, I had no pride – but I wanted it.  I wanted to feel proud of myself.  So for me, this song sort of outlined the battle I had with myself.  Part of me knew that I deserved something better:  to feel proud and to be healthy, but the other part kept interfering and prevented me from reaching those dreams…

I thought I would share a few lines of the song with you.

Somebody

Can you see me?

Cause I’m right here

Can you listen?

Cause I’ve been trying to make you notice

What it would mean to me

to feel like somebody

We’ve been on our way to nowhere

Tried so hard to get there

We’re gonna let it show

We’re gonna let go of everything

Holding back our dreams

And try,

to make it come alive

Come on let it shine so they can see

We were meant to be,

Somebody

Somehow, someday, someway

Somebody!

I’m so tired

of being invisible

but I feel it

Like a fire below the surface

trying to set me free

But inside of me

Cause we’re standing on the edge now

it’s a long way down

We will walk out of this darkness

feel the spot light glowing like a yellow sun,

and then we fall, we fall together

till we get back up and we will rise as one….

I finally “walked out of the darkness” and I’m pursuing my dream of being healthy.  I seriously never thought I would be here, which is why I constantly take pictures of the “new me.”  I still walk past the mirror, stop and look, and think – wow, this is me?  I am almost the same size I was 7 years ago, but my mind is different.  I want to be healthy and strong.  I have a whole new incentive for continuing my “dream.”

Is Weakness A Choice?

29 Jun

I was Googling CrossFit apparel and came across http://www.fashletics.com/.  They have a shirt called “WEAKNESS IS A CHOICE,” see picture below.  In the description for the shirt it reads, “Instead of being a victim of circumstance, CHOOSE to find the strength to overcome obstacles, fears, and misfortune.  It’s never easy but it’s always worth it.”

Starting today, my goal is to always choose strength.  Not just for CrossFit, but for my entire life.  For my obstacles, I will choose strength.  For my fears, I will choose strength.  And for my misfortune, I will choose strength.

Before last night’s WOD, my coach Josh and I talked about my feelings after the Gauntlet.  He was upset with me for not recognizing what I accomplished on Saturday.  He has every right to be upset with me.  He believes in me and recognized my strength.  Now it’s time for me to recognize my own strength.  So, here goes – I am letting go of my past.  No more stressing over what was or has been – stressing over it does not make me stronger – it makes me weaker.  I will no longer allow those thoughts and feelings to dilute my mind, body and soul.

I AM MAKING WEAKNESS A CHOICE – ONE THAT I WILL NOT CHOOSE.

Alright y’all, it’s on like donkey kong!

Weakness is a Choice

Front

Back

To view or purchase this t-shirt, please click here.

Turn that Switch off!

20 Jun

Let me help motivate you.

First, I will explain the relationship between my coach, Josh, and myself.  When I showed up at RRCF for my first work out, he encouraged – well, he made – me join RRCF BEFORE the 7 minute WOD.  I suppose by the tone of my long and sappy email, plus the phone conversation about my goals, he took MY best interest at heart.  From the beginning, I have been brutally honest with Josh and in turn he has been brutally honest with me.

Josh and I have these “come to Jesus” meetings.  Here’s how they come about:  I start feeling sorry for myself, over evaluate my progress and more than likely I begin crying.  Now, during these “come to Jesus” meetings – things get raw – and Josh just tells me like it is.  I take it because I know that he is reeling me back in for my own sake.  One of the best things Josh has told/taught me is to “turn the switch off” and to let go.  I am always worrying about what others are thinking about me (i.e., how’s my hair, what about my clothes, ugh – I look so fat, I bet people are making fun of me, I shouldn’t be wearing this, I’m going to look stupid, etc.).  After Josh told me to turn the switch off, I did and let go of wondering, worrying and stressing.  And you know what?  It felt awesome and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.  I can’t live my life worrying about what someone else is thinking about me.  I am Stephanie.  I work at my own pace and not the pace of others and I am working to recognize the progress I have made.

Do me a favor and turn that switch off!  Dance when you want to dance.  Sing when you want to sing.  Just be you.  🙂