Tag Archives: Stress

No Longer a Victim

27 Jan

It’s been almost two years since my last post. I wish that I could tell you that I kept the weight off and kept CrossFitting, but I can’t.  The past two years have been great, but so incredibly stressful and hard at the same time.

In the summer of 2013, I became real sick – nothing ever seemed to help.  I ended up having sinus surgery.  I really hoped that would fix the issue, but it didn’t.  While recovering from the flu, I started having some bad back and side pain, which prompted a trip to the doctor.  After being told I was basically making it up, for whatever reason…the doctor sent me to the ER for a CT scan with contrast of my chest.  The outcome showed a nodule and swollen lymph nodes in my right lung.  The doctor proceeded to tell me that I had one of three things:  1) Tuberculosis  2) a lung disease or  3) cancer.  Let’s just say that in a matter of minutes, my entire life shattered.  The next day was full of tests to check for tuberculosis and other issues, and I was referred to a pulmonologist.  The pulmonologist put me on a 3 month rotation of CT scans to be sure the nodule didn’t increase in size.

While going through this, my then boyfriend went in to aFib.  His resting heart rate was over 180 beats per minute.  It took almost 24 hours for his heart to convert to a regular heart rate.  Fast forward to December, my then husband had a procedure to look behind his heart.  The results showed that he was born with a congenital heart defect.  He had a bicuspid aortic valve that needed to replaced especially since he was already showing symptoms.  Less than three months later, my 28 year old husband was having open heart surgery.

A few weeks prior to his open heart surgery, I got sick…again.  My blood results showed a positive ANA marker, which means you can also test positive for having an autoimmune disease like lupus.  So here I go…to another doctor…to wait for a yet another diagnosis.  I found out that day that I have fibromyalgia with the possibility of developing rheumatoid arthritis.  Currently, I am tested every 3-6 months for rheumatoid arthritis.

Stress and tears were all I felt when I thought about the future.  Will I be able to work for much longer?  What is going to happen to me?  What about my son?  What about my new husband?

A couple of weeks ago, I sat and cried for a while and thought about the past two years. And you know what?  I can’t change what I’m going through, but I can try my hardest to make living with it easier.  Being overweight isn’t going to help my joint pain or my illness.  Being overweight isn’t going to help anything, it’s just going to add to the list of issues I’m already dealing with.

It’s going to be hard…probably harder than the first time, but for the first time in two years, I feel like I can do it again.  As a result, I started CrossFit again this past Monday and I already feel better about myself.  I’m no longer treating myself as a victim – instead I’m telling myself that I CAN do this.  I CAN get my life back on track.  I CAN be a better wife, mother and friend.

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Who is “Stressed Stephanie?”

17 Feb

I’ve been staring at this screen for about 10 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post.  What do I even want to say?  Let’s start with the truth.  Fletch has been lost, for months.  Stephanie has been happy, but stressed.  Why have I been stressed?  Well, let’s see, take a minute, read the last post and return to reading this one – there’s no reason to write that mess over again.

What’s a day in the life of “Stressed Stephanie?”  My mind ping-ponging all over the place with the inability to focus.  The smallest task feels like I am moving a mountain.  Goals that feel out-of-reach and unobtainable.  The thought of laying in bed, all day, with the lights off seems relaxing – not depressing.  Being a loner, not laughing nor smiling.  Waiting until the last-minute to handle tasks.  Giving up.

For those who know me, and I mean really know me – am I really “Stressed Stephanie?”  When have you ever seen me and I don’t at least crack a smile or let out my weird laugh?  “Stressed Stephanie” got called into the principal’s office last week.  I received a “come to Jesus meeting” like no other.  Sure, I cried – but it was different.  At first, I didn’t feel like me.  I felt weak and almost dark, if that makes any sense.  The once full-of-life Fletch was non-existent.

During the “come to Jesus meeting,” a lot of my issues were actually spoken instead of hidden.  When you actually tell someone your thoughts and fears you become totally vulnerable.  I was getting to the point where I thought only a few people truly cared about me.  You see, on most days – I’m a dependable person.  What happens to dependable people?  At some point in their life, they are stepped on and taken advantage of.  I have been stepped on and taken advantage of in more ways than I can count.  I was feeling torn down, completely.  I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I was seeing – not just the physical appearance, but down to my soul.  The parts that made me – me – were missing.

My goals, gone.  My loving personality, gone.  My compassion, gone.  My understanding of others, gone.  What did I become?  Bitter.  I was bitter toward others and was somehow blaming them for my mistakes.  I wasn’t dealing with my mistakes or owning up to them.  After being asked a series of questions at my “come to Jesus meeting,” there was no escaping the truth.  It was time for me to put my big girl panties on and deal with my mistakes.

I am still struggling to keep the negative thoughts out of my mind.  I can still think of things and feel an urge of panic, but right now – I am able to calm myself down.

Currently, I’m training with Josh away from the box.  My strength hasn’t totally recovered, but I can feel ole Fletch more and more each day.

So what’s next?  I found out tonight – a half marathon in 5 months.

Life and Stress of a Struggling CrossFitter

7 Oct

It has been months since I’ve updated this blog and I’m still unsure if I’ll be able to keep it updated as often as before…

 

My life has changed so much this year.  In February, my life took a totally different direction.  My marriage of almost 8 years ended.  The biggest adjustment has been going about life only seeing my son every other week.  Going from seeing him every single day to seeing him for 7 days at a time and then not seeing him for 7 days has been tough.  I have cried and cried and cried and missed him so much, but having a child does not save a marriage.  Even though it has been tough, for me, it was the best decision.

 

So this is my life now.  I’m a single mother.  I work full-time.  I am 5 classes away from finally having my undergraduate degree in Marketing.  I manage the accounts at River Region CrossFit.  I feel guilty when I don’t spend every minute possible with my son.  I also feel guilty when I pick my son up from daycare, take him to the box and WOD while someone else is taking care of him.  It is hard for me to totally dedicate my mind to WODing when I feel like I should be with my son.  It’s tough.

 

Through the stress, I have tried to just get through each day.  My goals for my journey have not been lost and they are still there, but right now – I’m just trying to overcome the stress.  So much happens to your soul when you go through a divorce and all I need is support from friends and family.  I don’t need lectures or to be told what I am doing is wrong, I just need a shoulder to lean on when things get tough.  I need a listening ear when I have a bad day.  I need someone to tell me I am a great mother when I miss my son.

 

I haven’t given up on my fitness.  I haven’t given up on CrossFit.  I haven’t given up on myself.  All that being said, I do have bad days.  I have days of anxiety.  I have days of depression.  It is there and I cannot escape it, but I also have many days of happiness.  I do have someone in my life other than my son who contributes to making me feel good about myself.  Our meeting was unexpected, but I do not regret it.  The timing wasn’t the best, but again I wouldn’t change it….

 

Just a few days ago I was talking to my coach and friend, Josh, about my life.  I have confided in him along the way.  He doesn’t let me give up on myself and helps me remember to “keep things Fletch.”  I beat myself up all the time because when I am able to WOD – I’m still scaling all my WODs.  In December, it will be two years since I started the CrossFit lifestyle and I should be RXing all my WODs.  Josh reminds me that my life since February has been turned upside down and I’ll get back to where I was…it will just take time.

 

For now, I cannot make new goals.  I cannot say, “this is what I’ll do next.”  At this point, I can only deal with the current and present moments in my life and take it day by day, and remember each day is a new day.